I learned a few days ago that one of my former clients and friends died. Even though we hadn’t been in touch for over a year, we had a solid working relationship for about four years. She was a bright light in the world – she was smart, had a strong work ethic and adored her two daughters to the ends of the earth. Her death has come as a big shock to our entire community of friends in Tallahassee, Florida (where I lived and worked for five years) and we are all grieving in our own ways.
Part of our human experience is loss. Loss comes in all forms: the death of a beloved person, a pet crossing the rainbow bridge, the loss of a job (whether you were fired or you quit, doesn’t matter), closing a business, the end of a marriage or committed relationship, the end of a friendship, a miscarriage (or failed adoption) or a devastating illness that changes life as you know it.
As Elisabeth Kubler-Ross famously outlined in her groundbreaking book “On Death and Dying” there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Grieving is good. It is healthy, it is natural and it is a journey. But the curious thing about grief is that no two people process grief in the same way or at the same speed.
When I heard the news of my client’s death, I emailed some mutual friends and said “Would you like me to schedule a phone call to get together and talk?” and one of them responded to me saying “Elizabeth, I love you. But I find it hilarious that you – the lone extrovert – would email the three of us – ALL introverts – to process this news verbally.” She was so right – I desired connection by verbally processing right away. They initially preferred to retreat and do their processing privately. Neither is right or wrong. We all need different things.
When you are grieving, it is imperative that you do it YOUR way.
And that you take exquisite care of yourself in the process.
There is no one right way to process your grief.
(If anyone tells you there is, they are wrong.)
There is no set time limit on how long you should grieve or how long you should be in each stage of grief.
(If anyone tells you there is, ignore them.)
You have a right to feel grief about ANY loss that you experience, not just a loss of human life.
(If anyone tells you that you are silly for grieving ____________, tell them that you are not silly, that you are moving through your emotions.)
Give yourself…
- Space to retreat, rest and reflect
- Permission to express your emotions – cry, scream or be numb
- Pamper yourself – go to bed early, take a bath, get a massage, spend time with beloved friends
- Time away from ordinary living – cancel a day of work, a week or more if you have to
- Emotional support. Contact a grief counselor or a local support group. Talk to trusted friends and let them know you’d like support. Ask your family to give you extra TLC as you process your emotions.
If you are in need of resources on death and dying, here are two new voices. I started following them both on Facebook about a year or two ago and am always inspired by their stories and strategies to move through difficult circumstances.
Dr. Martha Jo Atkins – Death & Dying Shazamer – she has some of the most heartfelt writings about the magic and the mysteries of death and dying that I’ve seen.
Tom Zuba – Grief Guide & Author – he has survived the death of his wife and two of his three children and he teaches that there is a “new way to do grief”.
And one more that I was just made aware of in the past few days…
Marshall Dunn – Author of “The Good Life” is a survivor of suicide loss and helps people see the gifts of death.
Inspired action: If you or a loved one is experiencing grief right now, please take time to reflect and ask yourself “What do I really need right now?”
Here’s to doing grief your way…
Elizabeth