My husband and I sadly attended the funeral of one of Riley’s playmates this weekend. He died of a rare brain tumor called DiPG a few weeks shy of his 5th birthday. There was SO MUCH LOVE in that church, you could see it and feel it. It was an honor to be among those paying their respects to this wonderful family. After the full mass, our friend Peter shared the most poignant, joy-filled, humorous and heartbreaking remarks of remembrance about his son Connor. There was much laughter and yet not a dry eye in the house. This is the complexity of being human, isn’t it? The juxtaposition of laughter and tears, celebration and grief, love and loss. It’s all part of the whole human experience.
Ram Dass said “We’re all just walking each other home” and that’s what it felt like attending the funeral. It was critical to be present and simply witness our friends during the most difficult experience of their lives. Burying a child is against the natural order of the universe which is why it’s so hard to wrap our heads around it. Yet our friends are living examples of how to live in love and faith and be present in every moment. They gave that amazing gift of PRESENCE to their son over the past 10 months of his illness and we will be forever changed by loving them and witnessing their impossibly heroic journey. May you Rest in Peace sweet Connor.
Reflecting on PRESENCE the last few days has had me contemplating why presence matters. At the core, it’s about BE-ing, not about DO-ing. It’s about listening, honoring, seeing, witnessing, and space holding. It allows for love, vulnerability, growth, and possibilities.
5 Situations Where Presence Makes a Difference
1. Being with a friend or loved one who is ill or grieving
So often, people don’t know what to say when someone is battling a sickness or is dying. But words don’t have to be complicated or profound to be meaningful. Simply saying “I’m thinking about you” can often be enough. Small acts of kindness help as well. Taking a meal, leaving flowers or a balloon with a little note, offering to do an errand or some yard work can really make a person feel loved and cared for. This past weekend, in addition to attending Connor’s funeral, my mom was in the hospital after having major surgery. She kept trying to shoo me away, but I knew it was important for me to spend as much time as possible in her room–even while she was sleeping–so that her needs were met and she felt seen and heard. (She came through the surgery successfully and is home recuperating now, thank you!)
2. Listening to a friend, co-worker, colleague or employee
You’ve heard it said that there’s a reason that God gave us two ears and one mouth, right? The idea, of course, is that we should be spending more time listening than we are talking. When someone you care about–whether it’s a personal or professional relationship–is having a difficult time, simply asking a few open ended questions and then being quiet to really listen can help them process their problem. One of my favorite parts about being a coach is that I get to listen deeply to my clients and by holding space for them, support them in plugging into their brilliant wise inner selves.
3. Interacting at networking events
Networking events can challenge even the best social butterflies because sometimes the energy is chaotic and there is pressure to “work the room” and talk to as many people as possible. My philosophy for any networking event has always been “3 quality connections.” Look people in the eye, talk about something in addition to work (hobbies, family, travel, sports, volunteerism) and be curious by asking open ended questions. Maya Angelou said “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” When you give someone the gift of presence, they remember you long after the conversation is forgotten.
4. Celebrating a friend or colleague
Perhaps you’ve heard the phrase “Shared joy is twice the joy. Shared pain is half the pain.” When we celebrate the accomplishment of someone we care about, it helps them to feel seen, valued and loved. I’m on the planning team for the book launch party for my friend Colleen O’Grady who has just released her book for moms of teenaged daughters called “Dial Down the Drama”. I’m so excited to support Colleen in this way because we’ve been friends from before she got an agent to now that she’s a published author! It’s a dream come true for her and I love celebrating with her. (And if you have a teenaged daughter, or know someone who does, go buy her book! It’s great!)
5. Spending time with your children
As a working mom, I often struggle between wanting quality time with Riley but also thinking about the work projects I have going on at the moment. Can you relate? When I am able to clearly delineate “work time” and “play time”, I show up more fully present for both my clients in sessions and for my daughter during our time together. There are days that I admit I ask her to watch a TV show so that I can get one more hour of work done but usually when we are together, I am doing my best to plug into her spirit. We might draw, paint, ride bikes, cook something yummy, lay in the grass and watch the clouds go by or go to the playground. When I can be fully present with her–tickling her, hugging her and looking into her eyes–there is a deep connection that helps her to feel safe and loved and helps remind me that this is the most important job I have on Earth.
As the holidays are fast approaching, it can be a time for chaos and frenzy. (See my recent post for tips on how to manage this!) How will you choose to be PRESENT this year?
Here’s to the Power of Presence,
Elizabeth