Often when I’m working with a new coaching client, they mention feeling overwhelmed, overworked, scattered, and feeling exhausted. One of the first questions I ask is “How healthy are your boundaries?”
In recent weeks, I’ve had conversations with clients about the following:
- Giving away too much time and talent to pro bono work.
- Volunteer commitments that take waaaaaaay more time than anticipated.
- Overbearing family members that offer their unsolicited and unwelcome opinions.
- Partners (life and business) unwilling to share equal responsibilities.
- Clients and colleagues who expect you to be available at all times.
Healthy boundaries are important for all of us because they help us operate in the world and they help others know how to engage with us. They are a form of protection (could be physical, emotional, mental, spiritual) that you create around you to protect your body, mind, and spirit from the unhealthy or damaging behavior of others.
Perhaps you see yourself in some of the examples above…here are more examples of less than ideal boundaries:
- Texting, calling or emailing with clients outside of established office hours.
- Work at home parents who tolerate lots of interruptions from family members.
- A person with food intolerances who feels they “have to” eat what’s served to them at a family or work gathering.
- Allowing someone to touch you without permission.
When I dig deeper, I often find that people have a hard time saying no because they want to please others, they want to be liked, they want to be seen as competent or caring. They also tend to value harmony and don’t like discord or disagreements.
But there’s a huge down side to not maintaining healthy boundaries.
When your boundaries are weak…
- you attract needy, disrespectful people into your life.
- you waste too much energy on things that aren’t important.
- you wear yourself out trying to do too much for others.
- you aren’t plugged into your own personal power.
- your anxiety can increase.
- your health (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual) can suffer.
However, when you are able to plug into your personal power and learn to say “no” to things and people that drain you and say “yes” to things and people that energize you, it can completely transform your schedule, your relationships, your energy and your life!
When your boundaries are strong…
- you respect yourself more and you strengthen your self-esteem.
- family members, friends, clients and colleagues respect you more.
- you start growing more emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.
- your fear and anxiety are significantly decreased.
- it gets easier to discern when to say “yes” and when to say “no.”
If this is an area of life that you want to work on improving, here are a few suggested exercises to help you establish healthier boundaries. Grab your journal and write about them or take these questions and discussed with a trusted person in your life (partner, best friend, coach).
- Make a list of 3-5 people you admire and include their qualities, behaviors, and how they handle difficult situations and behaviors. What boundaries do they have that you would like to emulate?
- Evaluate how are people in your day to day life breaking your boundaries? Make a list of 5 things that people may no longer do around you, do to you or say to you. Then, sit down with each person involved and share with them why this is important to you. Get their commitment to honoring you.
- Have a plan of action whenever someone violates your boundaries a) tell them what they are doing, b) ask them to stop immediately, c) demand that they stop, d) remove yourself from the situation.
- Evaluate your own behavior, too. Make a list of 5 ways that you may be violating other people’s boundaries. Then stop violating the boundaries on your list and/or have open conversations with the others involved.
- Recognize and thank people when they respect your boundaries.
Here’s to healthy boundaries and healthy relationships!
Elizabeth
P.S. If you need some help and guidance establishing healthy boundaries in your life, let’s talk!