One of the reasons I moved back to Asheville, North Carolina is my book club. You might think that’s a little silly because there are book clubs everywhere.
However, my book club is extra special. I started it with another friend 20 years ago and we still meet on a regular basis. More than half of the women in the original group have moved away but a core group of soul sister friends remains. We’ve seen each other through life’s biggest joys and deepest sorrows. We are friends for life. (And last month, we read and discussed my book! Squeeeee!)
Last week, we had a special gathering because one of our members was visiting from out of town.
She has been doing elder care for her parents for the last five years and she’s exhausted, overwhelmed and burned out. If you’ve ever been a caregiver, you understand the grueling nature of it.
We did a simple but powerful ritual to offer her witnessing, support, and encouragement.
As we were offering her reflections, one of our wise friends said,
“You thought you were simply walking down the hallway…
And you found yourself running a marathon… Completely unprepared.”
This statement has stayed with me for the past week.
How often have you experienced this in life? Life throws you a curveball and you are absolutely positively not prepared for it.
Here are a few examples you might be able to relate to:
- Growing your business or career – A key employee, whom you relied on heavily, resigns without much notice, creating a lot of stress. You are forced to restructure your team and redistribute responsibilities unexpectedly.
- Parenting your children – Your typically well-behaved child starts exhibiting concerning behavior at school, prompting unexpected discussions and interventions to understand and address underlying issues. This is mentally and emotionally exhausting for all members of the family.
- Caregiving for your elder parents – Your elderly parent, who has always been fiercely independent, suddenly becomes resistant to receiving any form of help, making it challenging to ensure their well-being without infringing on their autonomy. This keeps you up at night with worry.
- Navigating an unexpected health crisis – You receive a serious medical diagnosis requiring extensive treatments, medication, and time away from work to heal. You must manage your fear, anxiety, and stress level, all while continuing to move forward with the mundane things of life like work, cooking, paying bills, etc.
- Suddenly finding yourself divorced – After 20+ years of marriage, your spouse asks you for a divorce and completely blindsides you. Everything you thought was stable is completely imploded and you are left feeling shocked, confused, overwhelmed, and uncertain about the future.
- Coping with the grief of the death of a loved one – While going through your loved one’s belongings, you uncover secrets or revelations about their life that challenge your understanding of who they were, adding complexity to your grieving process.
So how do you run a marathon when you thought you were just walking down the hallway?
- Accept what is. You may have heard the saying “What we resist persists.” Suffering is what happens when we resist our current reality. Denial or avoidance only delays the inevitable. The sooner you can face whatever challenge life has thrown your way, the sooner you’ll be on the path to healing and growth.
- Let go of expectations. Stay as flexible as you can and know that change is the only constant in life. We want to see the finish line, but we don’t always have access to it. Do your best to trust the flow of life and see where it takes you.
- Ask for and be willing to receive support. Marathoners rely on fellow runners, water and snack stations, inspiring music playlists and cheering fans to stay in the race. Seek the support of friends, family, neighbors, therapists, coaches…whoever is in your network. Especially look for people who’ve been through what you are facing. That level of empathy from someone who truly “gets it” matters.
- Stop denying the emotions. It’s perfectly acceptable to be angry, resentful, frustrated, disappointed, lonely, etc. These are all normal human emotions. Saying “I shouldn’t feel this way” is not helpful. Instead, honor the emotions as they come up.
- Practice Gratitude Daily. It sounds so simple, but it’s one of the most effective ways to get grounded. Even when life feels like a dumpster fire, there are still usually bright spots to be seen—a good song on the radio, a deer visiting your backyard, a text from a friend checking in on you. Look for the good to help buoy you when times are hard.
Circles of women supporting women are critical for our well-being. At the end of our book club ritual, our sister friend was smiling and crying and laughing. She felt witnessed for her struggles, nourished by the love of friends, and empowered to continue on with her caregiving responsibilities.
If you are tired of feeling alone, experiencing sleepless nights and living with constant overwhelm, let’s talk. I’m inviting a small group of women into intentional and mindful community in my new Solid Ground coaching program that begins in mid-March. Let’s see if we can help you get back to living with flow, ease, comfort and joy now!