If you’ve been following my blog, you know that this year has been an extremely challenging one for me. My mother got really sick in April due to complications from a carotid artery surgery. Her cancer returned in June and she eventually passed away in mid-September. I spent six solid months as her primary caregiver (and the previous 3 years, too, but on a lesser scale) while still caring for my five-year-old daughter, running a business and maintaining my household. Now that I am no longer needed as caregiver for my mom, there’s a big empty hole in my heart… and in my schedule.
Self-care is important during the period of caregiving. But it is just as, if not more, important after that intense period has passed. This transition time is a time to recover, to recuperate and ultimately to revitalize your self care practices and your life as a whole.
While I am grieving the loss of a beloved family member, there are plenty of other instances where this gentle self-care is appropriate, too…
- After a move to a new city or state
- After you get married or divorced
- When your baby heads off to preschool, when your child goes to regular school or when your teenager heads off to college
- If you or a loved one has had an accident, major illness or health scare
- Starting a new job or losing a job
Here are some strategies that I am employing regarding my own self-care since my mother died. Perhaps they will help you as you work on your own transition plan with any big changes you may have faced recently.
1. Rest. Rest. Rest. For months, I was not sleeping very well because my mind was working hard late at night processing all that was happening. My mind and body were on high alert day and night in case Mom called me and I needed to go help her. But now that mom is at peace, I can let down my guard a little bit too. The fatigue is catching up with me and I find that all I want to do is sleep. Instead of fighting it, I’m giving into it. Sleeping longer at night, taking 20-minute naps during the day and giving myself permission to simply sit on the couch and read a magazine or watch TV are luxuries that I haven’t afforded myself for a very long time.
2. Maintain a slower pace. I’ve had to be very intentional about not jumping back into “life as usual”-it would be really easy to return to my normal fast-paced schedule. I am an extrovert and I do better when I am with people, engaged, and out in the community. Serving my clients is one of my favorite things to do. That said, I have been very clear that this is not the time for me to jump back into my work whole heartedly, yet. I have another 20 years of my career ahead of me, but my mother just died five weeks ago. If I give myself some space and time to properly mourn her death, I will be much healthier when I do return to my more normal pace of life and work. I’m going for more walks (just to walk, not always to exercise) and I’m scheduling lunches with friends to simply sit and visit. Doing these things are allowing me to unwind in a slow and steady way.
3. Take time to integrate. This is true for any big change or transition in your life. The transition occurs physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually…and it takes time. In my case, I am getting used to the world without my mother in it. I am 46 years old and have only known the world with her in it. And in the past 3 1/2 years, she has been a part of my daily routine, so I am having to break habits and patterns that have become ingrained. Often throughout the day, I think about a funny story I want to share with her or something Riley said or something crazy that the dog did… and I have to catch myself and realize that she is no longer listening on the other end of the telephone…even though I have dialed it a few times. Changing habits takes time and it’s important to be patient and gentle with yourself as old habits fall away and new ones are created.
4. Refocus on physical health. It is often necessary for primary caregivers to give up aspects of their own self care. In some instances, it’s simply because you don’t have the mental capacity to think about your own health issues. In other cases, it’s simply because you don’t have the time to fit in a doctor’s appointment. I know that between now and the end of the year, I have committed to schedule some routine doctor appointments that I have put on the back burner for myself. I’ll get a mammogram, check my thyroid levels, and return to the chiropractor to give some TLC to my planter fasciitis that is threatening to kick up again. Routine maintenance can be pushed aside for a while, but not indefinitely, and now it is important to return these to the mix for overall health and well-being.
5. Revitalize spiritual connections. For me, that looks like a return to the practices that I used to do when I had more time. While I have talked to God daily in these past few months (in the shower, in the car, riding in an ambulance, sitting at my mom’s bedside), I really enjoy taking time for quiet meditation and reflection and I enjoy writing in my journal. Both of those practices have gone by the wayside in recent months. Returning to nurturing practices of daily gratitude and intentional stillness help to fill my cup and bring peace and joy.
Are you going through a big time of transition? Which one of these essential self-care strategies speaks to you? I’d love to hear about it…send me a note and we’ll practice smart self-care together!
Blessings,
Elizabeth