I have a confession to make.
I threw my phone last week.
Not just once, but twice.
Those who know me well know that this is VERY out of character for me.
In fact, I haven’t thrown anything since my first husband asked me for a divorce 15 years ago. (Ironically, what I threw back then was also a phone! But it was the big, clunky kind that made a much more satisfying thud against the wall than our slim, trim cell phones of today.)
In my defense, I had a pretty rough week last week. We learned that my mom’s cancer has returned after three years in remission. She has fought a valiant fight, but it’s time to make peace with the inevitable. We met with hospice earlier this week and are focusing our energy on the time she does have left with us.
For me, throwing my phone was a gateway. My mom has been really sick for 2 months now and I’ve been managing it all very practically and with a level head. But when something set me off and I threw my phone, it opened the floodgates for me to have a really good cathartic cry (actually, two of them!) which was actually a very healthy release for me.
Anger tends to be an emotion that we are uncomfortable with in our society. Sometimes it scares us, sometimes we don’t understand it, sometimes it’s not appropriate (or we are told that it is not appropriate!). Children are shamed for expressing it and some adults either over express (yelling and screaming and acting out in violent ways) or under express (they swallow the anger until it simmers as rage underneath the surface).
And yet, I have come to believe that anger is actually a great tool when channeled properly. Expressing our anger allows us to feel our emotions and move them through our bodies so they don’t get stuck, trapped and make us sick inside. Harnessing our anger helps us to do difficult things.
Anger can help you to…
- Set a boundary if someone is violating your physical or emotional personal space.
- Say something you’ve wanted to say but were afraid to.
- Cry when you’ve been “holding it in” for days/weeks/months!
- Take action and “DO something already” to help you solve a problem.
The next time you are annoyed by your boss, peeved with a client, irritated by a relative or simply “over it” with your toddler or teenager, see if one of these anger management tips can help you move through it…
1. Make noise. This strategy garners pretty quick results. It could be screaming out loud while you are driving your car with the music cranked up high. If you have a drum, or if your kid has a drum, beat on it until you feel that you can’t drum anymore. And if you can’t find a drum, grab some pots and pans and beat them with a spoon!
2. Breathe in white light, breathe out gray/ black energy. This strategy works well when you are in a situation where you cannot outwardly express your emotions. Perhaps you are in a meeting or waiting in the doctor’s office and it’s really not appropriate to start screaming. Or maybe you are sitting around a table with a dozen family members over a holiday meal and someone says something to set you off. (Sound familiar?)
How to: Visualize inhaling white light through your crown chakra (the top of your head), and then exhale your breath through your open mouth and imagine that it is filled with toxicity. For me, it usually looks black or gray but for you, it could be red or orange, the color of fire. Use whatever works for you. I find that after doing several breaths like this, eventually the black and gray exhale dissipates and it becomes clear again. That way, you can clear your energy to at least to get through the current situation.
3. Move your body. This is an excellent strategy because you can use your anger to burn some calories. You can go walking, running, dance Zumba, ride a bike, go swimming…whatever works for you. If you move your body when you’re angry, it helps to move the energy through so by the end of your workout, even if it’s only 10 minutes, you will feel more balanced and calm to face the situation at hand.
I remember once a colleague had intentionally embarrassed me in front of my boss and I was furious with her. I paced in my office for 15 minutes before I went to speak with her about it so that I could calmly express my frustration with her and act as professionally as possible. It worked! If I had gone into her office as soon as I heard about the situation, I would have gone in with guns blazing and would have undoubtedly said something I’d have regretted. We continued to have a civil working relationship afterward because I took time to calm myself down before confronting her.
4. Write an anger letter. Then burn it. This may be one of my favorite strategies and I’ve recommended this to several clients over the years with great success. I first learned it from my spiritual teacher, Mary Rifkin, about 15 years ago (again, while processing my divorce!). The idea is to write out all of your anger, pain, frustration, grief and other emotions in a letter. You could write it to a specific person or simply like a journal entry. After you’ve expressed yourself in writing, read it aloud and then burn it [Disclaimer: make sure you do this in a safe manner–in a pyrex bowl, outside, with a bucket of water nearby just in case!]. Burning the letter allows you to transmute the energy and release it from your body and hopefully your experience. Then take the charred remains of the paper and either bury it in the dirt or put it in a nearby stream or pond.
5. Throw something. I’m not really suggesting that you start throwing your phone (!), but I will say that the act of throwing is immensely satisfying–[Disclaimer: as long as you know that no one will get hurt!!] Try throwing rocks or pebbles into water, snowballs at trees, shells into the ocean, darts on a dartboard… throw until you don’t feel like throwing anymore.
Inspired Action: Try one of these strategies the next time you get angry and email me to to let me know how it goes.
Here’s to letting anger help you express yourself…
Elizabeth