The Best Gifts to Give Someone Who is Grieving

by Elizabeth

I don’t have any fancy or eloquent words to begin today’s post so I’ll just come out and say it.

My mom died last week.

If you’ve been following my blog or my stories on Facebook for a while, you know that she was a fighter. A survivor. She successfully beat Stage 4 throat cancer in 2013, which offered her three years of living in remission. Three more years of “borrowed time” allowed for shopping trips to Talbots, exploring Houston’s museums and quality time with her granddaughter Riley.

But the cancer returned in June of this year and she passed away on September 11, 2016. Here’s her obituary in case you’re curious. She was a remarkably strong woman and one of my greatest teachers.

If you’ve lost a loved one, you know the deep grief that can ensue before, during and after the loss itself. I’ve been blessed beyond measure to have the most amazing friends who have carried me through this experience when I thought I couldn’t possibly take another step forward.

But so often, people don’t know what to do or say when confronted with grief. They feel awkward or can’t find the words. So they don’t say or do anything at all. Without meaning to, they alienate the ones they love the most.

It’s hard to go head on into grief. It means being vulnerable, real, scared and uncertain. It most certainly means some ugly crying, some yelling at God and some soul-searching. It’s hard to do it yourself and it can be challenging to witness someone going through it.

But witness we must.

That’s what we do for people we love. We bear witness. We love tenderly. We hug hard. We speak kind words. And when we can’t say anything, we simply say “I don’t have the words. I’m so sorry for your pain.”

Grief is a lonely experience. It’s a personal and unique – albeit universal – one that we will all experience at some time in our lives. The more we can open up about it and share from the heart, the better the healing process.

Should you send cards? Yes.

Should you send flowers? Yes.

Should you make phone calls? Yes.

All of those things are wonderful and appropriate and make your beloveds feel good. And, sometimes you want to do more.  To give you some ideas, I wanted to share some of the magical gifts that my friends have given me, Eric, and Riley over the past few weeks.

1.  The Gift of Food. There is a reason that people show up to funerals with dishes of homemade casseroles, cookies and cakes. It is a loving act to nourish someone you care about. Don’t underestimate the power of this. The practicality of not having to shop, prepare and cook your family dinner during a time of grief is such an incredible relief. If you don’t live locally, you can call a restaurant and have a meal delivered. I had a few friends do that.

2.  The Gift of Your Presence. Show up. Physically be there. Go to them. Visitors at the Houston Hospice during the two days that my mom was there were like manna from heaven. The hugs, the sitting and holding my hand, the asking questions about my mom and her life, the bringing of food for sustenance, the prayers.  One special friend came to visit who I’ve known virtually for seven years but we had never met in person until the day before my mom died. She didn’t even stay that long because my minister arrived and she knew I really needed to see him. But she made a point to go out of her way to come and be present with me. And she brought me chocolate! Seeing her face in person and not just on Facebook and hugging her in person was an extraordinary gift.
 
3.  The Gift of Your Presence Part 2. Show up. When there’s a memorial or a funeral, go if you can. Your presence of honoring the person who has died will mean more than any card, cake or plant that you can send. Hugs, tears and laughter are the pathways to healing that are best done in person! And if you can’t make it to the memorial or funeral, consider scheduling a visit in a few weeks or months after the initial loss. That is when grieving people especially appreciate someone who will still ask “So how ARE you?” and take the time to deeply listen.
 
4.  The Gift of Babysitting. If the family has children, offer to take the kids for a few hours. And don’t just say “Call me when you need help.” That is kind, but the person grieving doesn’t know how to ask for it nor do they have the time to think about it. Instead say something like “We can take your son/daughter either Saturday morning from 9-12 or Sunday afternoon from 2-5. Which is better for you?” So grateful to several friends who helped us with Riley when we needed it most.
 
5.  The Gift of Books. One of my best friends from my days at William & Mary lost her father-in-law a few years ago and her daughters were the same age that mine is now. We were texting one evening a few days before Mom died and she told me about these great books to teach kids about death and dying. I made a mental note to buy them that promptly left my brain. About 15 minutes later, she sent me a note and said “Don’t worry about buying them. I already did it for you. They are on the way!” They showed up just in time.
 
6.  The Gift of Music. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law sent a set of classical CDs because they knew my mom loved music. I played Beethoven, Bach, Brahms and Mozart for Mom in her final days. It was a lovely way to support her journey Home.
 
7.  The Gift of Your Virtual Presence. In the final days of my mom’s life, I was sustained by hundreds of friends and family members around the country (Well, world, actually!) who chimed in with their love, support and prayers on my Facebook posts. I spoke with a few of my relatives on the phone. And my best friends, a close knit circle of friends I’ve had for 10-20-30 years, were texting constantly sending their love and support.
 
8.  The Gift of Self Care. A few days ago, I facilitated my women’s networking group (Sienna Women in Business) and a former client who is also a friend handed me the most wonderful “Self Care Goody Bag!” It contained flowers, wine, chocolate, a candle, incense, protein bars and more. Such a thoughtful gift reminding me to practice self care as I grieve.
 
9.  The Gift that Connects You To Your Loved One. One of my dearest friends in Florida sent me a gift card to Talbots. If there’s one thing that Mom and I enjoyed doing the most together, it was shopping at Talbots. It was an incredibly thoughtful gift from my girlfriend although I’ve already told her that I doubt I’ll be able to use it for a few months because I’ll be a blubbering mess the next time I step foot in that store. I just may have to have a girlfriend’s Talbots shopping outing so I can get through.
 
10.  The Gift of Experience. If you’ve been through something similar to what your friend has experienced, share tips that helped you with your grieving process. Several friends offered suggestions like “take pictures of you holding your mom’s hands” which we did the day before she died. Or reminders to keep an article of clothing and spray it with her perfume. (I did that when my Dad died). Knowing that someone else has walked in your shoes is immensely comforting when you are in deep grief.

Hopefully you won’t need this list anytime soon, but in case you do, bookmark it and remember to come back to this when you are faced with supporting a loved one in their grief. You’ll feel good and they will appreciate your love and support.

With many blessings to you and yours and with gratitude for witnessing our journey,

Elizabeth

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