I don’t have any fancy or eloquent words to begin today’s post so I’ll just come out and say it.
My mom died last week.
If you’ve been following my blog or my stories on Facebook for a while, you know that she was a fighter. A survivor. She successfully beat Stage 4 throat cancer in 2013, which offered her three years of living in remission. Three more years of “borrowed time” allowed for shopping trips to Talbots, exploring Houston’s museums and quality time with her granddaughter Riley.
But the cancer returned in June of this year and she passed away on September 11, 2016. Here’s her obituary in case you’re curious. She was a remarkably strong woman and one of my greatest teachers.
If you’ve lost a loved one, you know the deep grief that can ensue before, during and after the loss itself. I’ve been blessed beyond measure to have the most amazing friends who have carried me through this experience when I thought I couldn’t possibly take another step forward.
But so often, people don’t know what to do or say when confronted with grief. They feel awkward or can’t find the words. So they don’t say or do anything at all. Without meaning to, they alienate the ones they love the most.
It’s hard to go head on into grief. It means being vulnerable, real, scared and uncertain. It most certainly means some ugly crying, some yelling at God and some soul-searching. It’s hard to do it yourself and it can be challenging to witness someone going through it.
But witness we must.
That’s what we do for people we love. We bear witness. We love tenderly. We hug hard. We speak kind words. And when we can’t say anything, we simply say “I don’t have the words. I’m so sorry for your pain.”
Grief is a lonely experience. It’s a personal and unique – albeit universal – one that we will all experience at some time in our lives. The more we can open up about it and share from the heart, the better the healing process.
Should you send cards? Yes.
Should you send flowers? Yes.
Should you make phone calls? Yes.
All of those things are wonderful and appropriate and make your beloveds feel good. And, sometimes you want to do more. To give you some ideas, I wanted to share some of the magical gifts that my friends have given me, Eric, and Riley over the past few weeks.
1. The Gift of Food. There is a reason that people show up to funerals with dishes of homemade casseroles, cookies and cakes. It is a loving act to nourish someone you care about. Don’t underestimate the power of this. The practicality of not having to shop, prepare and cook your family dinner during a time of grief is such an incredible relief. If you don’t live locally, you can call a restaurant and have a meal delivered. I had a few friends do that.
Hopefully you won’t need this list anytime soon, but in case you do, bookmark it and remember to come back to this when you are faced with supporting a loved one in their grief. You’ll feel good and they will appreciate your love and support.
With many blessings to you and yours and with gratitude for witnessing our journey,
Elizabeth