Last week I had the distinct pleasure of listening to Sheryl Sandberg, the COO for Facebook, speak at a live event here in Houston. She was talking about her new book, Option B, which was released just two years after the sudden death of her husband.
If you’ve been following my writing for the past year, you know that I’ve written a lot about grief and loss since the death of my mother last September (gifts to give someone who is grieving, embrace the mystery and the magic, gratitude in hard times, the importance of rest). So the timing of going to hear Sheryl Sandberg speak was absolutely perfect. I found myself nodding my head in agreement at many of the things that she said.
The title of the book came from a conversation she had with a friend who volunteered to step up for a father-child event at school after her husband had died. Sheryl said “But I want Dave!” and the friend replied. “That is not an option. But we will do our best to kick the sh*t out of Option B.”
Life doesn’t always work out the way you plan it, does it? I don’t know about you, but I can think of three or four ways that I’m living or have lived Option B in my life. When you’re young and the world is your oyster, you think you have it all figured out. You may have plans on what your career will be, where you will live, who you will marry, how many children you will have….But then life takes a lot of detours and U-turns and where you end up is often not where you set out to go.
Where are YOU living Option B in your life? Maybe one or more of these have happened to you…
- You got fired from a job.
- You are not in the career you prepared for in college.
- You’re not as successful in your career as you thought you’d be.
- You got divorced (or ended a serious relationship).
- You’re not living where you want to be (house, neighborhood, city, state, country).
- You’ve experienced financial crisis (and maybe had to sell your house, move in with relatives, etc.).
- You developed cancer (or other disease).
- You became a caregiver to a loved one who got sick.
- You have a child with health problems.
- You suffered infertility.
- You experienced infant loss.
- Or, like Sheryl, you had a beloved die WAY too soon (child, spouse, friend, parent, etc.).
According to Sandberg, everyone is living some version of Option B in their lives. It’s not a matter of if but when you will have an Option B facing you. What matters most is how you choose to respond to it.
Here are a few highlights from her talk about building resilience and finding joy:
1. You can build resilience (It’s not something you naturally have.) The best way to build resilience is in community.
2. For the person grieving: People feel isolated after suffering a great loss. Writing helps (Keep a journal.) and so does sharing it on Facebook. ☺
3. For the person supporting someone who is grieving: People fear saying the wrong thing, so they don’t say anything at all. Don’t make that mistake! Just show up.
4. It’s OK to laugh. Humor gives a minute of release.
5. Joy is a discipline (And an important one to cultivate in times of grief.) and we have to work at it. Before bed, write down three moments of joy that you experience each day.
She also offered that after a big loss, many people experience post traumatic growth. They have deeper relationships, there is more meaning in life and they experience profound gratitude for the life they have. I wrote about my own experience with this last year before I had ever heard the phrase “post traumatic growth.”
One last tip she shared. Sheryl suggested spending time with loved ones at the dinner table asking three questions:
- What was the best part of your day?
- What was the worst part of your day?
- What are you most grateful for today?
These conversations will allow you to deepen your connections and will invite everyone to express their feelings in a healthy and open way.
If you’re living an Option B in your life right now and are struggling with it or trying to find more meaning and understanding of what it’s all about, I suspect her book, Option B, will help you.
I’ve just started reading it. If you’ve read it, are reading it or plan to read it, let me know!
Here’s to cultivating resilience!
Elizabeth