I was feeling really sad and tender last week. The early part of October every year is a time for reflection as it is the anniversary of when I miscarried the one and only pregnancy I’ve ever had. After a 5 1/2 year arduous fertility journey, with the help of IVF, we finally got pregnant with twins. To lose them just 72 hours apart with two distinct miscarriages was absolutely devastating. I have experienced a lot of pain, grief, and loss in my life. But nothing compares to that experience. Nothing.
Last Friday was the date where I usually take time to honor the babies. I thought about them a lot that day and Eric and I talked quietly that evening and remembered that difficult time in our lives. We also recalled the pivotal conversation where he said to me “I can’t watch you do this anymore. It’s too painful. I think God is calling us to adopt.” And just four months later, our sweet Riley entered our lives.
I had been thinking to myself, Gosh, I wish I had gotten some white roses to release down at the river in honor of them but life was really busy and full last week and I didn’t take the time to go to the store.
On Sunday morning, Eric went for a walk before I did. He usually walks up by the golf course in our community, and I usually walk down to the lake and around it. But for some reason, this day, he decided to walk down to the lake.
As I was heading out for my walk, he was just returning from his. He said “Oh, by the way, the florist who lives at the house halfway down on the left…she has white roses in a bucket for free.”
I looked at him and said “Huh?”
He said “Yeah, she does that periodically. I guess maybe when she completes an event and she has leftovers, she leaves buckets out for people to take free flowers.”
I had never noticed this before, in a whole year of living here. And I love flowers.
So down the road I went and sure enough, there were several big beautiful white roses in a plastic bucket. As I picked out three of them, I noticed that the florist was in her van in the driveway. So I went over and started talking with her.
“These are for free? Thank you so much!”
She said, “You’re quite welcome.”
I said “White roses have special significance for me. When I am grieving a loss, I do ritual prayer and blessing work with them to process my emotions and release them by the water. I’ve been feeling really sad this week and your roses showed up at the perfect time.”
She stopped what she was doing and looked at me intently. Nodding her head and said “God always provides.”
I thanked her again and headed down to the lake. I was meeting a friend for a walk, so I didn’t have a lot of time to spare. But I went to the waterfall at the creek near the lake and stood at the edge for a few minutes. I talked out loud to those babies, thanked them for coming into our lives and released the roses into the flowing water below. They drifted away fairly quickly and I felt a deep sense of peace, acknowledging and honoring their short presence on earth in my womb.
Perhaps I was feeling their loss more keenly this year, since the place where they lived for a short few months was surgically removed from my body earlier this year. The only physical connection that I had to them is gone. But the spirit connection remains strong and true.
Life is filled with mysteries and we don’t always understand why things happen the way they do. But what I do know is that when we pay attention to the signs, we are supported in more ways than we could ever imagine.
Sending you love
E
P.S. If you or someone you love has experienced a similar loss, click here for more information about World Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day which is October 15th every year.