I recently attended a holiday concert at a gorgeous church in the River Oaks district of Houston. It was a big, beautiful, lavish affair with extraordinary musicians like you might find at the symphony. My good friend Dominique McCormick, a lyric soprano, was a highlighted musician and we were there to support her and get into the Christmas spirit.
Every time she sings, I start to cry because she reminds me of my beloved Aunt Dorothy, who was also a very talented professional musician. Then, Dominique started to sing Ave Maria which was one of my Mom’s favorites, and then I really started to cry. I caught Riley staring intently at me because she’s very intuitive that way. I know she saw the tears in my eyes and was wondering what was happening for me.
But I didn’t brush the tears away. Instead, I gave myself permission to stay in the emotion of the moment, uncomfortable as it was.
Because the truth is that I love the holidays and I love beautiful classical music AND every time I hear it, I am reminded of people that I love that are no longer here and it hurts. The grief is real, sharp and intense.
The holidays bring up a mixed bag of emotions for most people.
If you have little kids, it’s exciting to see their faces light up as they engage in some of the traditions of the season… whether you are baking cookies, decorating a Christmas tree, lighting a menorah, giving and receiving gifts, honoring the winter solstice, celebrating Kwanzaa or ringing in the New Year.
But it also can be a time for grief to appear. Maybe you have recently lost a loved one, have someone close to you who is sick, perhaps you are struggling in your marriage or recently divorced, or maybe there is tension and strife within your family and you are estranged and can’t figure out how to reconnect.
Sometimes stress and overwhelm creep into this season, too. In addition to an already busy life, you may be adding holiday parties, family traditions, gift giving, travel plans, special holiday meal planning and more.
This is the time of year to give yourself some grace…
- To say no, even though you might like to say yes, because you know it will preserve your sanity.
- To just say yes, even though you might like to say no, because while you may dread the energy expenditure leading up to it, you may realize afterwards that it (whatever IT is!) was just the nurturing you needed!
- To give yourself permission to feel all the feelings, no matter how big or small. To recognize that it’s all part of being human, this roller coaster of life.
- To choose either/or instead of both/and because it will simplify your life and help you to focus on what’s most meaningful.
- To choose both/and instead of either/or because it might add more richness, fullness and depth to your holiday experience.
Ultimately, what I’m saying is that there is no right or wrong way to do the holiday season. It’s different for every person and for every family.
And it’s different every year.
Three months after my mother died, we made reservations for Thanksgiving, traveled for Christmas, and didn’t even buy presents for anyone except for our kiddo.
This year, we are in the full holiday spirit with the house completely decorated, a special meal planned for Christmas day, Riley will be singing in the choir at church, we have family visiting and we are attending all of the holiday parties and gatherings that we have been invited to.
We’re really feeling the spirit this year.
But who knows what next year will bring.
None of us do.
Trust the rhythm and flow of life. Trust your intuition. Listen to the inner voice that tells you what to do, that guides you on your journey.
Life is complicated and messy and it is OK for joy and grief, happiness and sadness, connection and aloneness to live side-by-side.
Holiday blessings to you and yours…Merry Everything!
Elizabeth