5 Habits for a Healthy Relationship

Much of my work as a coach and healer for the past two decades has involved conversations with my clients about self-care…taking care of ourselves so that we are happy, healthy and strong. And invariably, many of those exchanges include talking about our relationships—with our spouses, our children, our best friends, our neighbors, our clients, our bosses…well, everyone!

I’ve had three distinct coaching client conversations regarding some break down in marital expectations, assumptions and responsibilities in recent weeks. It’s easy to say “They did this or that!” but what’s harder, but usually more revealing, is to ask yourself “What is my contribution to this situation?” The truth is, we teach other people how to treat us. If someone isn’t treating you well, chances are good it’s time for you to shore up your boundaries with them. And if someone treats you like gold, chances are good it’s because you are getting better at loving and caring for yourself.

As I celebrate the 15th year of marriage to my sweet husband this year, I’ve been reflecting on all the reasons why we have a healthy and loving marriage. Obviously the basic values of love, trust, respect, good communication and friendship are critical in every relationship. Whether or not you’re married, I think these ideas apply to many different types of intimate relationships where you want deeper meaning, purpose and connection.

1. Engage in Meaningful Rituals

Consistent connection points with your beloved are key to giving and receiving love. We engage in meaningful rituals on a regular basis. We kiss each other good-bye in the morning and hello each evening. We say grace at the family dinner table each night. We plan regular date nights to just watch a movie or go to the symphony. We sit in church and hold hands while we sing and pray together. Having these regular touch points help us to stay bonded during a very busy season (parenting!) of our lives.

2. We Don’t Give Up when We Cross Wires

This means being open and vulnerable—and being willing to keep working at it until you get it right. Recently, our daughter Riley was telling us something important to her and she said “You’re NOT LISTENING to me!” and we repeated back what we heard and she continued to say “You’re NOT LISTENING to me!” We had to explain to her that sometimes one person says one thing but the person receiving the information interprets something different. It’s not that they aren’t trying to understand. But sometimes we speak a different language from one another. The key here is to not give up…to keep finding ways to find the right words—or the common ground—to come together on an issue. We finally got her to start laughing when we gave her examples of how we bicker with one another and she was able to see it’s just part of being human!

3. Establish Yours, Mine & Ours

This holds true for friends, hobbies, volunteer work and chores. It’s important for us to have couple friends and other families we enjoy socializing with. But it’s equally important for Eric to enjoy his “let’s grab a beer!” buddies and for me to have my girlfriends that I can go hiking with. We both serve our community and at times, we’ve done it together (we met while volunteering at a huge street festival in Asheville, NC back in 2002) but we also pursue different interests. He enjoys volunteering with environmental issues and for church events and I enjoy spending my volunteer time with Riley’s Girl Scout troop or with other women’s issues. We have a pretty good division of chores around the house but sometimes need to negotiate if one of us is getting burned out on one thing (cooking and doing dishes—me, laundry—him!)

4. Remember Your Partner is NOT a Mind Reader

One day, early in our marriage, Eric and I were arguing because I was very upset that he hadn’t done something that I secretly wished he had and he very clearly said to me in an exasperated voice “What do you think I am, a MIND READER?” No matter how intuitive your partner is, they are NOT a mind reader. If they did something that made you feel good, tell them, and thank them! If they did something that made you mad, tell them and explain why. If there’s something you really want or need from them, give them a little prompting. Remember, it’s your responsibility to get your needs met, not your partner’s.

5. Go to Therapy. Lots of it.

You may chuckle, but it’s TRUE! We entered therapy BEFORE we got married and that helped us to figure out if we actually wanted to be married! We had both been divorced and never again wanted to experience the pain we both had been through. By attending a Harville Hendrix “Getting the Love You Want” workshop and then a couples’ Myers-Briggs retreat weekend, we were able to iron out our communication challenges and commit to one another completely. We have gone to marriage counseling on at least three occasions during the course of our 15 year marriage. Chances are good, there will be more in the future! The key here is—like so much of life—ask for help when you need it. It takes a village to raise a child and it takes a village to sustain a healthy and happy lifetime partnership.

Inspired Action: Take time to assess your primary relationship(s) today. Grab a journal or talk directly with your beloved and do a quick inventory. Ask yourself what’s working, what’s not working and what are some things you might want to consider changing. If you need support with this, you know you’ve got a coach ready and willing to help.

Wishing you happy and healthy relationships in all areas of your life!

Elizabeth