On our first date, my husband arrived at my doorstep carrying fresh tomatoes that he’d just picked from his garden.
(Even though I don’t like tomatoes and I gave them to my neighbor, I didn’t tell him until more than a year later!)
On our second date, he arrived with a book. One I had never heard of. It was Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages. Have you read it?
Chapman teaches that we all have a primary and a secondary love language and that is how we feel appreciated and receive love in the world. The five love languages are:
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
- Receiving Gifts
Eric didn’t know it at the time, but my primary love language is receiving gifts! So he got serious brownie points for bringing me gifts on our first two dates!
We read this book together–and discussed it with some couple friends–early on in our relationship. We learned that we have completely different love languages (mine is gifts and words of affirmation, his is physical touch and acts of service) so that was valuable knowledge. I gave him (what I thought were) meaningful gifts and flowery cards professing my love for him. He gave me back rubs and changed the oil in my car.
As we learned to apply the principles in the book, we realized that we were giving what we wanted to receive. And that to help our partner feel really loved, we need to give them what THEY want. So I learned to give him foot rubs (his favorite) and did some gardening at his house. He was reminded to buy me jewelry and leave me little love notes from time to time.
Until one day, we’d been married more than a year and the gift giving had fallen by the way side and I was feeling a bit neglected. He was on his way to the grocery store and I asked him to bring me home a “surprise.” He looked at me quizzically and I said “Look, I just gave you a hint. Remember what my primary love language is? You can figure the rest out!”
As he headed out to the store, I had dreams of what my surprise might be: Godiva chocolates, some lovely tulips (my favorite), maybe an Oprah magazine, perhaps some chocolate dipped strawberries.
When he got home he said “I’m so excited! I found the perfect surprise for you! Close your eyes.”
So I closed my eyes, held out my hands and he placed something plastic and cold in my palms.
When I opened my eyes, I looked at it and said, “What the —?”
And he exclaimed “It’s a CAN OPENER! See how it opens the can so that it removes the jagged edges so that you’ll never cut your fingers ever again?! Isn’t it the coolest?!”
Remember, his love languages are physical touch (Don’t hurt yourself, honey!) and acts of service (practical, useful gift for the kitchen).
Needless to say, he was in the doghouse for a week!
Now that we’ve been married for 12 ½ years, we laugh about that darned can opener all the time.
Even though he knew my love language…
Even though I prompted him…
Even though he thought he was on track…
He still missed the mark big time! …But he thought he had done SO GOOD!
I share this story with you not to pick on my sweet husband but to point out the fact that even when we think we are telling someone we love them or that we are appreciating them, if it’s not in a language that they can understand, THEY WON’T HEAR YOU.
Gary Chapman has gone on to write several books, applying his core principles to different relationships. Recently I learned that he has co-authored The Five Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace. All five languages apply in the workplace, too, with the exception of some modifications for physical touch (Only appropriate touch in the workplace, thank you very much! Handshakes, fist bumps, high fives, a hand on a shoulder, a hug if someone is needing support, etc.)
So often we express our thanks to people verbally–perhaps a “thank you” phone call, a hand written note or an email–but we often neglect the other languages of appreciation! What about taking someone to lunch? Pitching in to help on a big project? Giving a small gift that they’d like (a cup of coffee or some Girl Scout cookies!)
This week, I invite you to check out one or both of these books and take a look at both the personal and/or the professional relationships in your life. See if you can identify your primary love/appreciation language and then talk with the key people in your life (spouse, partner, best friend, assistant, clients, etc.) and learn what theirs is.
I’d love to hear what you learn! Send me a note!
Just don’t buy your beloved a can opener, OK?
Elizabeth
P.S. He also has editions for kids, teens, singles, men, military personnel and more! Check them all out here!
P.P.S. If you want to show yourself some love (or a special friend in your life) this is the last week to register for the Revitalization Retreat for Professional Women in April in Galveston!