One year ago, I received an email that would change the trajectory of our family’s life forever. All three members of my immediate family had our DNA tested and got our results through Ancestry.com. Our beloved daughter, Riley, is adopted and while we met her birth mother in the hospital, we never knew her birth father. But last year one of her birth dad’s family members e-mailed me to say “I see that Riley is related to us. Can you please help me understand how?” And within 24 hours we were on the phone with Matt, Riley’s birth dad. Read more on Facebook about our “Miracle in the Middle of Coronavirus.”
He was not aware that he had a child and was shocked, but ultimately delighted, by the news. He and I spoke first then later that day we scheduled a Zoom conference call with all three of us and him. It was wild and crazy, filled with joy, and plenty of tears and laughter. Riley was only nine at the time and we were not prepared for reunion at such a young age, yet we have trusted our intuition which has compelled us to move forward with building a relationship. He’s a young IT professional living in Atlanta who loves art, hiking, and adventure. We have had two in-person visits with him. You can see photos from our first meeting last summer in Asheville here.
Read and see more for Day 1 on Facebook, click here.
Read and see more for Day 2 on Facebook, click here.
Read and see more for Day 3 on Facebook, click here.
Over the past year, we have watched our daughter blossom as we have gotten to know him. She is happier, more confident, and more grounded. She’s always been very wise and a deep thinker for someone so young, but we’ve seen her understanding of this complex experience grow exponentially.
This past Easter weekend, we drove to Atlanta to meet his entire family to celebrate the one year anniversary of this amazing revelation. We met his mom and stepdad, brother and girlfriend, and his girlfriend. We had done a few zoom calls over the past year but there’s nothing like spending time in person. We enjoyed the Atlanta Botanical Gardens and hiking at Sweetwater Grass State Park. We ate good food, played charades, and simply got to know each other.
Read and see more on Facebook, click here and here.
As an adult adoptee myself, living in reunion with my biological family for 22 years as of April 13th this year, I understand my daughter’s desperate need to know where she comes from, see people who look like her, and understand how she came to be in the world. She hugs or holds her birth dad’s hand often when we are together but she also bounces back to Eric and me to sit on our laps or get a fly-by hug. We are her safe place, but I know all too well her desire to be physically connected to someone she shares blood and genes with. Adoptees don’t choose to grow up with parents who are different genetically from us, and many adoptees spend their lives wondering about their ancestry, feeling incomplete and like we don’t quite belong in our skin or in the world.
I have shared our story publicly on Facebook—and now with you—because I believe that when we share our stories, we learn, we grow and we expand our capacity for understanding someone else’s experience especially if it is so different from our own. I have had a lot of people say to me things like “you’re so brave,” “you’re so amazing,” or “I’m not sure I could do that.”
But here’s what I know for sure. Many years ago, when I was very involved in the adoption community nationally, I got to know Adam Pertman, an author, adoptive father and recognized adoption expert. In a speech that he gave, he said something to the effect of “when you’re not sure what to do, make your decision based on the best interests of the child and you’ll never go wrong.”
Without a doubt, when it is healthy and safe, the best interest of the child is to have some connection to their biological family. Whether it’s exchanging photographs and letters, talking on the phone or spending time together in person, knowing about your origins is a basic human need and a basic human right.
Adoption is very complex system built on grief and loss. There is a lot of pain, confusion and uncertainty for all members of the triad – adoptees, biological parents and adoptive parents. It is very imperfect and there is much that needs to be improved.
But with healing, understanding, and forgiveness, there can also be wonder, joy, and lots of love. The way my husband and I look at it, the more people we have to love our beautiful daughter and support us in raising her to be a happy, healthy, smart, compassionate, caring human being, the better off we all will be. There is enough love for everybody.
As an adoptive mama, my heart is so happy to see my daughter feel so confident and comfortable in her skin. She has learned that she is part Japanese and part Mexican and she is embracing this part of her heritage. As we continue to build our relationship with her biological family, I hope they will help her explore her history and ancestry. We learned this weekend that Riley’s great-great-grandfather was a fisherman in Japan! How cool is that?
As a fellow adoptee, I am jumping for joy that my daughter, at the tender age of ten, is getting the same positive experience that I had at the age of 29 when I first reunited with my biological family. I spent the first three decades of my life feeling adrift and incomplete. And now that I know my biological family, I am more confident and sure about who I am and why I’m here. I embrace all of my ancestry…my mom’s, my dad’s, my birth mom’s and my birth dad’s. I have four parents, even though only two of them raised me. We are raising Riley to know that she has four parents as well….me and Eric, Matt and her birth mom.
Riley may only be 10 years old now, but her identity formation is in full swing. Kids are so much more resilient, understanding, perceptive, and aware then we give them credit for. She comprehends that our situation is unique, but she’s taking it all in stride and, honestly, seems more radiant than ever. The more we can support her in expressing her full self, the brighter her light will shine and we will all benefit!
Identity matters. Ancestry matters. Connection matters.
If you have any stories of adoption that you’d like to share with me, leave a comment. I’d love to know about your experiences.
Elizabeth
1 comment
Thanks for sharing yours and Riley’s beautiful story. I’m an aunt to an adopted nephew and very little is known about his birth parents. I do know that he has a loving family though and due his birth circumstances, has an amazing life with us. My understanding is that he has no interest in knowing about his birth parents, and I imagine that could change one day. He’s 19 now. Your stories give me better insight to what he may be going through, while not communicating it.