Brene Brown writes in her book The Gifts of Imperfection:
Worthy now.
Not if. Not when.
We are worthy of love and belonging now.
Right this minute. As is.
Her writings about shame, vulnerability, wholeheartedness, enoughness and worthiness are powerful medicine. I highly recommend both The Gifts of Imperfection and Daring Greatly. I had the privilege of hearing her speak in Houston last year and if you ever get a chance to hear her live, go!
I believe that we come into this world knowing that we are whole and perfect and amazing beings. But somewhere along the way, we absorb messages from the world around us – what I call the “mother, father, teacher, preacher” messages – about our worth, our value and how we “should” be in the world. And often these messages lead us to believe that we are somehow “less than”, “not enough” and “unworthy”.
And for many people, especially women, one of the ways we attempt to reclaim our sense of worthiness is to take care of others. Being a caregiver comes naturally to many women. It almost seems to be written in our DNA “my job is to take care of others.” Loving and nurturing those around you – children, partners, parents, friends, colleagues and more – is one of the most beautiful things we can do as human beings.
But I don’t think it is written in our DNA that “my job is to take care of others and totally and completely neglect myself in the process.”
Nope, I don’t buy it. I don’t think that mandate is there.
Yet why do so many women do it? Why do you do it?
I can’t tell you how many times in the past fifteen years that my 1:1 coaching sessions begin with clients breaking down in tears. These are strong, smart, educated women who seemingly have “everything going for them.” They often hire me to help them start a business, manage the growth they are experiencing in their business, change careers or tackle an important project … and the first thing they do is spill it about how exhausted they are. “I’m taking care of my spouse, my kids, my aging parents, my employees at work who are having hard times, my best friend whose mom just died, I’m volunteering at my kid’s school and my church really relies on me to keep this program running…. I’m worn out.”
“And where do you fit into this equation? How are you practicing self-care?” I ask.
And the answer is usually “I don’t. There’s no time for me.”
Newsflash dear reader: Smart self-care is not a luxury… it’s a requirement for healthy, balanced, joyful living. If you don’t take time for yourself now, you will get to the point where you won’t be able to give your time, love and attention to others in your life because you will be burned out, sick or dead!
Stop giving away ALL of your life force – your blood, sweat, tears, love, generosity, appreciation, commitment, investment and more – to everyone else. Keep some for yourself. And if you’re really smart, do what the financial advisors tell you to do: Pay Yourself First!
What does that mean? It means incorporating meaningful and intentional self-care into your daily life.
Not just occasionally. Not just “when you feel like it”. Not just “when you have the time or money”.
Always. Daily. Like brushing your teeth, eating or sleeping.
The sooner you start taking care of yourself, the sooner you’ll get what you want.
Why? Because you’ll decrease stress which will help you focus your priorities, claim your voice and regain some order, balance and yes, even sanity(!) in your life.
Feeling good, balanced, happy and energized is not a reward for success. It’s an essential component for success! And that starts with knowing that you are worthy of your love, care and attention.
Not if, not when, but now.
Revitalized Action: Look at your children, your beloved, a best friend or a mentor and take time to think about their worth and their value in your life. If you’re inspired, go ahead and tell them! Then, take stock of your own sweet self. What is worthy and valuable about you? Make a list of 5-10 things and write them down.
If you can connect with this part of you on a regular basis, you’ll be more likely to practice smart self-care because you know you deserve it. You’ll feel better and the people around you will notice. It’s a win-win situation!