We have a new minister at our church and he preached a sermon a few weeks ago that really got to me. I was emotional during the service and have thought about the topic for several weeks since he first introduced it.
What I have realized is that I need his help unpacking his concepts from the sermon, yet I have been afraid to ask. I’ve made up stories and excuses that he was “too new” or “too busy” to spend time with me. I’ve assumed that he has more important things to do than talk 1:1 with congregants.
Finally, I had a little chat with myself this week and said “Just send him an e-mail. He’s a grown man. He can decide how to manage his time.”
Do you know what his response was to my request?
“Thank you for reaching out.”
Not “Sorry but I don’t have time” or “I’m too busy” or “Why would you want to talk about X?”
Simply “Thank you for reaching out” and now we’ve scheduled a lunch date to talk about what’s on my mind.
In general, I’m pretty good at asking for help – I’ve learned over the years how critical it is for overall well-being, happiness and success – and yet even I still get stuck in the rut of thinking “I can do this on my own” or “I don’t really need help”.
It is a topic that resonates with a lot of my clients and friends – the awareness of the reluctance of asking for help.
There are three main reasons that we don’t like to ask for help –
Can you relate to any of these?
1. Fear of appearing weak or like you don’t have your act together (“Oh gosh, she’s a mess!”)
2. Worry about imposing on others (assume others have weak boundaries and can’t say “no”)
3. Living in denial about the fact that, darn it, you really aren’t Superwoman (but I was able to juggle all of that stuff when I was ________________ (younger, single, didn’t have kids, healthier, etc).)
I get it… all three of those reasons were my excuses for not reaching out to my minister.
Here’s the thing… when you are asked for help by a friend or loved one, how does it make you feel?
Most of the time it makes you feel pretty good, right? They trusted you enough to ask for your help which means they value your contribution in their life, right?
So by not asking for help from others around you,
you are denying them the opportunity to feel valued.
And in the case of my minister, I’d be denying him the opportunity to do his job, right? His role is to be a spiritual teacher and leader and undoubtedly that will raise questions for congregants. So of course he welcomed my inquiry.
Here’s the other thing… giving and receiving is a natural rhythm and flow that’s part of our Universe.
They are two sides of the same coin.
If you are naturally a giver (most women are raised to be caregivers), then it’s only natural that at some point, you will need to receive. It’s part of the order of the Universe.
You don’t want to mess with that, do you?
But people won’t know to give to you unless you ask.
Revitalizing Action: Ask yourself…where do I need help right now? Make a list and then pick one or two items that you are going to ask for help with to get you started.
Some ideas to jog your brain:
Need help around the house (chores, cooking, yard work and keeping things running smoothly)?
Who can help? Your partner, kids, neighborhood teenagers, hired help?
Need help with your health?
Who can help? Your doctor, a nutritionist, a personal trainer, an acupuncturist or chiropractor, your friend who is going through a similar health crisis, an online support group
Need help with your job or your business?
Who can help? Your boss, your employees, your colleagues, a business coach, someone in HR, an assistant, hiring the right contractor
Need help with managing your finances?
Who can help? A financial planner, an accountant, your banker, your partner
Need help with your kids?
Who can help? Your partner, a family member, a babysitter or nanny, a tutor, other parents in your child’s class, teachers
Here’s to asking for help!
Elizabeth