I recently heard about yet another community member who committed suicide. I didn’t know him personally, but by all accounts, he was a fun-loving, family-oriented man. Despite being active in the community and seeming to have a lot of friends and close family, apparently, he felt extremely lonely and was in a lot of pain.
I continue to hear about people who are struggling.
People who
- Feel lonely and isolated.
- Are lost and unsure of their purpose.
- Are experiencing deep grief and can’t find relief.
- Seem OK on the outside but privately are barely hanging on.
- Are “going through the motions” but not really living life.
- Feel completely bogged down and stuck by the weight of the world.
This being human is hard. And there’s no way I could navigate all the challenges I’ve faced without my ginormous community of friends and family. I’m grateful and lucky, I know it. And, I’ve intentionally curated community every place I’ve ever lived. It takes effort, but it’s worth it.
While my first book was about self-care, my newest book Sacred Celebrations: Designing Rituals to Navigate Life’s Milestone Transitions is really about community care.
It’s about looking out for one another in good times and bad. It’s about witnessing one another during times of change. It’s about showing up (in-person, virtually, with a note, or text), saying “I’m here.”
I remember early in the cover design process, the designer (not the one who ended up creating my gorgeous cover!) sent me images of two empty Adirondack chairs overlooking a lake.
I shouted at my computer screen “No! No! No! You’re missing the point! Sacred Celebrations is about connection, about community, about gathering with people we love and care about.”
And I think we are often missing the mark with that in our daily lives.
We are so busy with all of our responsibilities…work, caring for children and aging parents, trying to do the basics of care for our homes, and put food on the table…we’re neglecting the importance of investing time in connection with others.
When you see someone struggling, here are 3 ways to help:
- Invite people into the fold. New neighbor? Knock on the door and bring them some homemade cookies and welcome them to the neighborhood. New family at school? Invite them to join a coffee conversation with other parents to get the scoop of who’s who. New employee at work? Invite them to join you and other colleagues for lunch. Most of us just want to belong and feel included.
- Listen carefully for subtext. Pay attention not just to the words that people are saying “I’m OK. Life is busy but I’m managing” and hear what they’re not saying underneath. Ask clarifying questions “You said that you’re managing but is there any place that you might need help? Could I offer that to you?”
- Don’t ask, just help. Pick up groceries for your elderly neighbor. Do that task on your co-worker’s desk because you have extra time on your hands. Invite your child’s friend to spend the night so their parent(s) can have a quiet night to themselves. Sometimes we simply need to do the good deed and trust it will be gratefully received.
Some people are intensely private. Others don’t want to burden you. Others simply don’t know how to ask OR receive help because it’s not familiar to them. But it doesn’t mean it should stop you from reaching out.
We all need support sometimes. You never know the battles that someone else is facing or the dragons they are slaying behind closed doors. When we can offer a helping hand and reach out with genuine connection, it just might save somebody’s life.