Give Yourself Permission to Say “No”

“If you want something done, ask a busy person.”

This is a popular adage that we’ve all heard many times (the original version is attributed to Ben Franklin and he was definitely a pretty busy guy!)

And for many years, I was the busy person that people asked. As a goal oriented, Type A, Capricorn, ESFJ, straight-A student (well….in high school), only child, I thought it was my only option. I was supposed to Help People.  Serve.  Contribute. Be involved. Be a leader.

Will you please help with _______________________? (A project, training this person, an important fundraiser, the neighborhood bake sale, staff appreciation days, planning an event, staying late at work, this committee, that committee, etc.)

“Why yes, yes, of course, I’d be happy to help!” I’d find myself saying.  And underneath my smile, I’d be thinking to myself “How can I possibly fit THAT on to my already full plate?” 

Can you relate?

But somehow I managed to fit those “extras” into my life. I did it for years. (Perhaps you did too? Or maybe you are STILL doing it?)

As a result, I got burned out, over extended, sick, resentful and ultimately angry.

Not resentful and angry at others for asking me. But resentful and angry at myself for not having clear boundaries. I wasn’t managing my time or energy well which means that my own health and well-being suffered as a result.

But once I learned that the word “no” is not a bad word, it changed my life. I use it when necessary and people still like and respect me. Sometimes people are temporarily disappointed when I decline to help them, but they quickly get over it. It is a powerful word and has literally become one of my favorite words in the English language! My health and happiness have improved dramatically and my personal and professional workload is manageable (most days!).

Five reasons why saying “no” is good for you…

1. It creates space in your life for new things to show up that you want to say “yes” to!

2. It’s a great way to exercise your voice.

3. It helps you establish healthy boundaries.

4. It results in long-term relief. (Don’t you feel good when you see that someone else has stepped up to take on that responsibility and you think to yourself “Phew. Glad that’s not me!”)

5. You learn to put your needs first instead of giving all of your energy away to other people.

Do you see how this small but powerful word could soon become one of your favorite words, too?

If you’re not sure how to say “no” politely, then take a peek at this awesome article on Zen Habits that gives you some great pointers on how to say “no” with grace and tact. 

So what are you ready to say “no” to?

Revitalized Actions: 

• Review all of your current commitments. Work, family, church, school, community, etc.  Do you feel balanced and joyful when you think about every single thing you are doing?  If so, good for you!  If not, then consider ranking them based on your values and consider whether you can remove one or more of the lower priority items from your commitment list.  (Or at the bare minimum, don’t say “yes” again when asked to renew your commitment.)

• Think about any new commitments that you are entertaining.  Maybe you’ve been asked to co-chair a fundraiser at your child’s school.  Or you’re considering adding a new project to help grow your business.  Or your extended family wants to take a vacation together this summer and assumes that you will take the lead (because you always do!)  Whatever it is, weigh it carefully while looking at everything on your current commitment list. Do you really have the time, the space, the energy and the bandwidth to add something new to your plate?  If it feels great and you’re excited about it, go for it!  If you hesitate, have doubts or see red flags, pay attention and heed those signals!

• Once you decide what to say “no” to, let me know in the comments below. I’d love to celebrate with you!

Here’s to saying “no” more often!
Elizabeth